Friday, October 21, 2005

To the citizens of the United States of America

This did make me laugh a lot. I felt inclined to share.

To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thusto govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of yourindependence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen ElizabethII will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, andterritories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for Americawithout the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will bedisbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whetherany of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rulesare introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up "revocation" inthe Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will beamazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skippinghalf the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptablelevels. (look up vocabulary).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form ofcommunication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoftknow on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to takeaccount of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You willrelearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, ortherapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows thatyou're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled byadults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someoneor speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything moredangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will berequired if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for yourown good When we show you German cars, you willunderstand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will startdriving on the left with immediate effect. At the sametime, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit ofconversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will helpyou understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have beencalling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French friesare not real chips, and those things you insist on callingpotato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried inanimal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beerat all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referredto as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will bereferred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-FrozenGnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as goodguys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play Englishcharacters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in FourWeddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removedwith a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind ofproper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enoughwill, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities toAmerican football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twentyseconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host anevent called the World Series for a game which is not played outside ofAmerica. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond yourborders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty'sGovernment will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moniesdue (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

24 Comments:

Blogger Duffy said...

I saw this one a while ago. The reponse that was sent around with it went like this:

Response to Revocation of Independence

To: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

From: William Jefferson Clinton
President, United States of America

Re: Offer of Revocation of Independence

Cc: Albert Gore, Vice President, United States of America
George W. Bush, Governor, Texas
Bill Gates, Chairman, Microsoft Corporation

Your Majesty,

Thank you for your kind offer to revoke our independence. It is comforting to know that our former colonial masters are thinking of our well being during our recent time of trouble. This is a welcomed change from your behavior when you were last running things over here.

As kind as the offer is, I must respectfully decline. It would not be in the best interest of the United States, or my personal legacy, for us to be once again ruled by a nation whose top culinary achievement is fish 'n chips.

Instead, I wish to inform you that the United States is undertaking a leveraged buyout of the British Isles. This takeover is being done with the help of our good friends at the Microsoft Corporation. It is part of a settlement of the recent anti-trust lawsuit whose appeals would otherwise have dragged on for much of the century.

After the completion of the buyout, the United States will take possession of the United Kingdom and Ireland. As your new overlords, we will then undertake the following actions:

1. The government will be dissolved. Ireland and England will be given non-voting representation in the U.S. Congress, a status on par with Puerto Rico, Guam, the District of Columbia...and, in case you forgot, the American Colonies in Parliament.

2. Scotland will hereby be known as "Gatesland." Kilts will be outlawed.

3. Loch Ness will be drained so we can finally figure out what the hell is down there.

4. The monarchy will be immediately abolished and all royal properties and possessions sold at auction. You and your family will have to actually work for a living.

5. Northern Ireland will be physically cut out of the British Isles using satellite-based lasers developed for the Star Wars program. The Atlantic fleet will then tow the new island to a location 50 miles due north of Iceland, where it will remain until such time as its leaders learn to get along.

6. Baseball and football will replace cricket and "football." Cricket is too confusing, and you guys were never very good at "football," anyway. I mean, it's your national sport, and the last time you won the World Cup was in what...1966? We won one last year.

7. You will start driving on the right side of the road. The change will take place at exactly 725 a.m. on the first non-holiday Monday following the takeover. You are not to make the change even a minute earlier, nor a minute later.

8. You will immediately revert to American spelling and measurements. Program has one "m," color no "u," and double quotation marks are required unless it's a quote within a quote. To assist, we will issue everyone a copy of "Elements of Style." There will be a quiz in 6 months. Metric measurements are hereby abolished. Thirty-five degrees just does not sound very hot; 95 degrees does. Not that it ever gets that warm over there.

9. The Spice Girls will be arrested and imprisoned in the Tower of London. A new all-American lineup will feature:

Hot Spice Jennifer Lopez
Domestic Goddess Spice Roseanne Barr
Brainy Spice Cindy Crawford
Anorexic Spice Calista Flockhart
Irritating Spice Dennis Rodman

10. All UK evening news programs will be presented by Daljit Dhaliwal. In a bikini.

11. The American and British armed forces will begin immediate preparations for a new invasion of Normandy. Our war slogan will be "Free France from the French!" That'll teach 'em to be snooty to us.

Negotiations will begin immediately. If you cooperate, things will go very smoothly. If not, this could turn into a hostile takeover. Between Bill Gates and the Atlantic Fleet, that could turn out to be very ugly. Remember, we've beaten you once before and later saved your ass in that sequel to World War I. So, you should feel both fearful and grateful.

Please call if you have any questions. I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Sincerely,

William Jefferson Clinton
President, United States of America

12:37 PM  
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5:19 PM  
Blogger azucenamaryam said...

If only we could like, stop saying you know, then we would be like, not so American, you know?

7:29 PM  
Blogger BrainSyke said...

This one is indeed hilarious, and very creative!

3:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This would have been funny except the UK is run by a bunch of half-wits too. How do you explain Tony Blair?

I think the Romans need to come back around and disband you lot... They were far better imperialists!

11:44 PM  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dubai, a desert oasis? More like a desert embarrassment! It's full of lazy Arab men beating their wives, eyesore construction, a laughable beach area, incompetent people, and imported palm trees. There's nothing unique or cultural (except the widespread ignorance)--if you call the silly desert safaris and the manufactured "Bedouin" dinners culture, you are much mistaken, my friend. So until Dubai stops trying to BE like America and finds its own identity...well, there's no argument regarding superiority. And as for the UK...oh, my. Lovely churches, lovely gardens...but what else have they got? A sad, dying place good only for tourism.

1:00 PM  
Blogger BrainSyke said...

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Blogger Noor said...

Hi,

I know this is off-topic but I'm conducting a survey about the UAE blogs community. Would you mind taking it? Full details are below:

My name is Noor Ali-Hasan and I am a graduate student at the University of Michigan School of Information. As part of my master's thesis project, I am currently conducting a study about bloggers and their social networks. Based on your blog, you have been selected to participate in a short online survey about blogging. To qualify for the survey, you must meet the following qualifications:

* Be at least 18 years of age
* Currently keep a blog
* Have a blog that contains a blogroll and/or allows comments
* Have a blog that is part of the UAE Blogs community

Your participation is completely voluntary. The survey should take about ten to thirty minutes to complete. You may access the survey at this address:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?A=120826336E6181

All survey data will be kept confidential. The study's findings will be reported in aggregates and will not be used to identify a specific person. If you have any questions about this survey, please email me at nooraz@umich.edu.

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School of Information
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

If this were to happen, I would most definitely be happy that Queen Elizabeth doesn't want Kansas...since I happen to live and go to college here.
-Some girl in Kansas

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